Embracing True Happiness in Your Relationship

Sample Set

For whom are these cards designed?
They’re designed for those of us who are interested in building a strong foundation for our relationships. This generally requires an understanding of basic relationship dynamics, and the typical challenges and opportunities that are presented in virtually all the important relationships in our lives.

How to use these cards:

  1. Ask yourself, “What’s the most important issue for me to deal with in my relationship today (or this week, this month)?”
  2. Click on a card and read the description of the theme.
  3. Trust that the message is perfect for you at this time (there are no accidents!).
  4. Take a few minutes to do the exercise. Some of them will require pen and paper, while others can be done in your mind. The exercises are most effective when completed in a relaxed environment, where you have sufficient time to give them your full attention.
  5. Return to this site tomorrow (or next week, next month) and pick another lesson. The cards are shuffled after each pick, so you will likely get a different card. But if you get the same card twice in a row, you may want to more seriously consider the importance of the message.
  6. It is suggested that you only pick one card a day in order to fully digest the information and effects of the exercise.

To get access to the whole card deck along with follow-up exercices, please log in. If you are not a member, register for free.

Important Info
Reload the page to re-arrange the cards and choose a new random theme.

Purpose of Relationship

The purpose of your relationship and the purpose of your life are one and the same.

Purpose of Relationship

The purpose of your relationship and the purpose of your life are one and the same.

The purpose of all your relationships is the same as your purpose for being alive, which is to allow the Ineffable Being that you truly are to have a complete human experience. The first part of the human experience is to be completely blinded by beliefs, the main belief being that you are a limited, physical human being. Thus, your relationships are designed to support that belief 100 percent. Much of this stage of relationship is about overcoming your limitations and “faults,” and proving your worth. You try to control your relationship so that it proves what a great and wonderful person you are. This involves attempts to control Partner, while at the same time, Partner is trying to control you. Wanting each other to improve, and continuing to create different ways that each can reinforce the other’s specialness, serves to reinforce the primary concept that you are incomplete, and therefore not good enough as you are. Also, looking to Partner to give you what you think you need supports you to believe that your source of happiness and love is outside of you.

Although many people have lived their lives and died in this stage of the human journey, others have moved into stages of consciousness beyond it. The next stage involves a profound awareness that what you believe you are is not The Truth. You then come upon endless opportunities to directly experience the magnificent being that you in fact are—a being that is truly beyond belief! Immediately, the purpose of relationship shifts into supporting and helping you to grow in awareness that you are actually a magnificent being, fully enjoying the phenomenon of being human. Every aspect of your relationship is now designed to give you a direct experience of who and what you are.

To summarize the meaning of this card, everything that happens to you is directly connected to your purpose. At first, everything that happens supports the purpose of you believing you are only human, and must constantly strive to better yourself so that you can prove your worth. As you outgrow this stage and move toward emotional adulthood and consciousness, absolutely everything that happens in your life supports the purpose of your awakening to who and what you really are.

Register and log in to do the follow-up exercises

Control

Life would be perfect if everyone just co-operated — with what I want!

Control

Life would be perfect if everyone just co-operated — with what I want!

The objective of control is to create an environment that is free of discomfort. The physical aspects of your surroundings and the objects within those surroundings can be difficult to control, but not as emotionally challenging as the people you bring into your environment. Whenever Partner behaves in a way that you believe is making you uncomfortable, your compulsive tendency will likely be to reject that behaviour and go about trying to make sure it does not occur again.

Methods of control may include

  • simply informing Partner as to why their particular behaviour upsets you
  • explaining why it is inappropriate for Partner to behave that way under any circumstance
  • raising your voice to condemn the behaviour, angrily insisting that Partner never act that way again
  • bargaining (“If you stop doing that, I’ll stop doing what bothers you”)
  • getting even by acting out a behaviour that annoys Partner
  • mirroring the same annoying behaviour as Partner’s
  • pleading, threatening, or making ultimatums

The key to control is to send the message that what Partner is doing is WRONG, and therefore Partner must change to the RIGHT behaviour. In this case, “right behavior” is whatever you say it is, and always that which does not bother, threaten, or hurt you. But how effective have your methods of control been in getting Partner to change? Over the course of time, partners in a relationship will make adjustments to accommodate the other, but basically people do not change their essential characters.

Control is an aspect of your Defence System, designed to protect you from your own vulnerability. It directs you to obsess about Partner’s behaviour and therefore keeps your attention focused outwardly, away from your own pain, fear, guilt, and needs. In other words, it distracts you from confronting your own humanness.

Register and log in to do the follow-up exercises

The Should Tormentor

Who says you should?

The Should Tormentor

Who says you should?

One of the great sources of torment in your mind, and a powerful influence on your relationship, is the voice that is constantly telling you how you should be. It tells you how you should look, act, think, and feel, as well as what you should do, achieve, and acquire in your life. It also puts pressure on what you and Partner should be like together, what you both should achieve and acquire, and how you should appear to others.

In its less aggressive form, it suggests improvements to you and your surroundings, speaking in an almost whimsical manner about how nice it would be if only… . In its least pushy form, it might simply suggest activities or alterations for yourself, such as “you should go get your hair cut” or “we should go see a movie, or go dancing.” In this case the “should” is simply an attempt to stimulate ideas about what you might enjoy experiencing.

The torment begins when you are feeling incomplete, unhappy, or dissatisfied with yourself or your situation, and words like should, must, have to, and supposed to infiltrate your thoughts, accompanied by an emotional pressure. Without your awareness, your tormentor takes over, pummelling you with criticisms and complaints disguised as suggestions about what should be happening in your life. You should be more romantic or more fun, more powerful and assertive, more attentive or less demanding.

This kind of torment is typically compounded by feelings of guilt and/or shame, and supports a perception of your present situation as unsatisfying. You can’t see what life is offering you, because you’re blinded by what your mind tells you should be happening and what you should be manifesting in the world. The sentiments behind the word should are usually associated with scarcity and inadequacy. What you are right now can never be accepted and there will be no peace until you become the kind of individual, partner, parent, et cetera., that you SHOULD be.

Perhaps you have not experienced a great level of intensity in your personal “should department,” but if you picked this card, it may be offering you the opportunity to become aware of the tormentor behind the word.

Register and log in to do the follow-up exercises

Rescuer

Here I am to save the day! – Mighty Mouse (50’s/60’s cartoon figure)

Rescuer

Here I am to save the day! – Mighty Mouse (50’s/60’s cartoon figure)

The Rescuer is the part of your mind that tries to figure out why a problem exists and how to make it go away. “Why is this happening and how can I fix it?” is a typical rescuer mantra. Its mandate is to suppress, dissociate from, heal or escape a discomfort, or eliminate the situation that seems to be causing it. Sometimes you will be dissatisfied with yourself and turn to your Rescuer to tell you how you should improve. Any time there is a suggestion that you change something in order to make yourself feel better, you are listening to the voice of the Rescuer, whether that voice is coming from your own mind, or from someone in your outside world. Some of your Rescuer characteristics include the following:

Rationalizing                     Analyzing

Enabling                            Pitying

Advice-Giving                   Smothering—Being Overly Helpful

Denial of Vulnerability    Dissociating from Discomfort

Champion                          Fixing

Problem Solver                  Sacrificing

Sympathy-Giver                Patronizing

Flatterer                             Compromising

Philosopher                       Fantasizer

“Positive Thinker”            Pleaser

The Rescuer is a reliable mental tool when dealing with mechanical, logistical, mathematical, or other problems that require purely physical solutions. However, as soon as challenges arise that include human feelings, emotions, and beliefs, the Rescuer finds itself out of its depth, but since you have trained yourself to apply the Rescuer to all problems, you will compulsively turn to it for an answer.

Although it appears to be functioning in service to your greatest good, the Rescuer is simply another aspect of the tormentor in your mind, reinforcing in you the idea that you are incomplete, and not good enough, and that you need some person, technique, behaviour, attitude, or even “miracle” to complete, and thus save, you! It will point out what you should do to improve, how you should act, the way you should look at your situation, what you should say to Partner, and so on. Or else, you will focus on where Partner is lacking, and what Partner should say, think, feel and/or do, in order to improve. Although the Rescuer typically appears as a benevolent influence, interested only in your betterment, it is actually a construct of the Defense, Control, Safety, and Manipulation part of your mind, and so is designed to keep you away from confronting your vulnerability. When you recognize that your vulnerability is simply disguising the wisdom, joy, peace, and unconditional love that you really are, you begin to realize that the Rescuer is a perfect design for maintaining the trance of amnesia into which you were born. So when you turn to the Rescuer in your mind, or to a person who is willing to play the part for you, you are overlooking the opportunity to remember and experience the true power that you are.

Register and log in to do the follow-up exercises

Irritation

I will stop being so irritable when people stop being so irritating!

Irritation

I will stop being so irritable when people stop being so irritating!

Irritation is an essential tool that supports you as you grow into emotional adulthood and expand in awareness of who and what you truly are. If it is not confronted openly in a relationship, it can lead to increased anger, power struggles, threats and ultimatums, and even to physical separation. It can also lead you to look at Partner as a threat or an enemy, and as the cause of your unhappiness. On the outside it may look like this: Partner says, does, or fails to do something and, when you become aware of whatever it is, you become annoyed. You immediately assume that Partner caused the irritation, and the conclusion is supported by your logical, rational mind: Partner did that and I felt this, therefore that must be the cause of this! Then that same mind comes up with the conclusion that Partner must stop doing that in order for you to stop feeling this and go back to being “happy.” The situation and your reaction to it perfectly serve the purpose of keeping you from exploring your own inner experience and uncovering a treasure.

Let’s look at irritation from another viewpoint, seeing it rather as a signal that a great opportunity is present. A core belief is emerging from the realms of your vulnerability, and into your awareness. This emergence triggers your Defence/Control Mechanism, which is designed to (1) suppress the belief and the discomfort that lies at its center, and (2) focus your attention outward in order to defend yourself against the “enemy” out there.

But if you can slip beneath the irritation, you will immediately face the belief that contains so much human pain in it, and you can understand why such an intricate Defence System was designed to suppress it. But you are not who you believe you are, and in fact are greater than any and all your beliefs. The irritation is in fact a signal, alerting you to the opportunity to experience the Truth of who you are!

Register and log in to do the follow-up exercises

Dream and Dreamer

Wake up! You can’t remember where you are…, had this dream stopped? – Jim Morrison

Dream and Dreamer

Wake up! You can’t remember where you are…, had this dream stopped? – Jim Morrison

Note: Be Prepared. This card is asking you to make a quantum leap in confronting your beliefs about who you really are!

This card is meant to address a relationship situation where you believe Partner is capable of causing you pain or discomfort. Sometimes you may think Partner is purposely trying to do this, while at other times, you may believe his/her behaviour is the result of thoughtlessness or carelessness. Either way, Partner is “doing it to me!” This perception exists because you believe that you are a separate being from Partner and each of you has your own choices. Partner, you believe, could refrain from making you uncomfortable if she/he really wanted to. (Of course, if that were the case, then you could refrain from being bothered by Partner’s behaviour if you really wanted to.)

Actually, the belief in your existence as separate from that of all other people, places, and things gives those outer manifestations an autonomy and power they do not really have. How you respond to Partner in your present conflict depends on whether the following statement is True: The world is an illusion, a dream, imagined by the ineffable being that you really are, and everything that happens in this dream is designed and directed by You. If you recognize this statement to reflect the Truth, the guidance will be easy to follow. Remember, when I refer to You, I am not referring to the character, role, or personality which you are playing out on this illusory stage, but rather the You that dreamed up this whole world and everything in it.

Now, if you go to sleep tonight and have a dream that Partner slapped you in the face, will you wake up the next morning and blame Partner for the slap? Aren’t you the one that dreamed it? Could it have possibly happened if you hadn’t imagined it in your mind? Or do you think Partner physically climbed into your dream just to slap you in the face? The slap could not have possibly happened unless you, the dreamer, created it in your dream. Nothing can happen in your living dream unless the Ineffable You dreams it to happen. So what would be Your purpose in dreaming up such a scenario? This card suggests that the purpose is to help you wake up in this dream!

Register and log in to do the follow-up exercises

Acceptance

True  freedom is experienced in accepting the unacceptable

Acceptance

True  freedom is experienced in accepting the unacceptable

This card suggests that you may not be accepting an aspect of Partner’s behaviour or attitude. Perhaps Partner is doing or saying something that bothers you, and although you may have wished, asked, or demanded that Partner stop, the particular behaviour continues. You don’t want this issue to break up the relationship, but you also can’t stop reacting to the behaviour. Which of these three statements would you say is behind your lack of acceptance?

  1. Partner’s behaviour is not fulfilling one of your needs or expectations, and you are disappointed.
  2. Partner’s words or actions are hurtful.
  3. Partner’s behaviour is just plain annoying you.

If you think that Partner’s behaviour or attitude is causing you to feel tense or uncomfortable, you may drop into the defensive stance of anger and blame, or accusation. In that case, simply accepting Partner as she/he is, is not an idea that comes readily to mind. “After all,” you might say, “why should I accept what Partner is doing if it makes me uncomfortable?” The simple answer is that you don’t have to accept it, but acceptance does lead to Process and peace, while not accepting leads to suffering and being stuck in an obsessive, habitual way of thinking, such as

  1. “Partner’s behaviour is causing me discomfort, so the behaviour is wrong and Partner must change it.”
  2. “Partner’s behaviour is not satisfying my needs, so Partner’s behaviour must change, in order to meet my expectations.”
  3. “Partner is breaking a spoken or unspoken agreement, and so Partner must change his/her behaviour.”

Many people in relationships do not accept their partners, because it interferes with their plans to change them. But the journey to emotional adulthood progresses when you realize Partner will not change his/her basic character, and that it is not your job to change them anyway! Partner is who Partner is. She/he may make some adjustments in behaviour or attitude, but

  1. the basic character never changes,
  2. no change whatsoever takes place because of your efforts to change Partner,
  3. your needs are not Partner’s responsibility, and
  4. your discomfort is not Partner’s fault.

If you recognize the truth in those four points, you can open your heart to the possibility of acceptance, which will take your relationship to a more harmonious level.

It is important to distinguish the difference between acceptance and resignation. Although resignation can seem like acceptance on the surface, it is often motivated by such a deep level of discouragement that the resigned person gives up on the relationship and resorts to resentfully “putting up with” Partner. Only true acceptance offers you true peace and happiness.

For many people, acceptance begins with tolerance, a kind of mental and emotional force exerted to stop you from rejecting what is happening, or what you’re experiencing. After tolerance comes endurance, a willingness to remain non-reactive toward the discomfort. This usually involves a certain amount of focused, calm breathing. You will notice when you are not accepting Partner’s words or actions that there is tension inside you. Breathing may be constricted and there may be tightness in your shoulders, jaws, and solar plexus. Therefore, when Partner’s behaviour seems to be making you uncomfortable, relax. Conscious relaxation generally involves slower, deeper breathing and release of tension.

Register and log in to do the follow-up exercises

Awareness

Nothing false can withstand the light of awareness.

Awareness

Nothing false can withstand the light of awareness.

You might call awareness the experience of conscious, impersonal attention or observation. It is much more than the registering of sensory information or experiences that can be had simply by sitting in a chair and looking around you. It is an indefinable sense of “presence.” For example, you could be sitting at your desk, looking at the items on the surface, and you might say that you are aware of the existence and presence of those objects. However, the “awareness” I am referring to is a recognition that reaches beyond the sensory. It is the power of non-visual observation, where everything is within that observation, including you! Thus, an awareness exists that you are not the body, and you are not even in the body. You are the awareness that is aware of that body, a body that is within you!

You might experience it as stepping outside of yourself and seeing the situation, and your body as a part of that situation, from every angle possible—simultaneously! Experiencing that pure awareness involves detaching from the personal meanings that you have given to the people, places, and things in your life, and simply noticing them all in neutrality.

Awareness does not come from the head, though it often seems to be registered in the head. But since you can be aware of your head, obviously your head is within your awareness. Recognizing the difference between personal attention and awareness will help you to realize the difference between looking and seeing, or listening and hearing.

If there is a situation in your relationship that seems to be a cause of suffering for you, you are probably observing it from a personal viewpoint. This means you are interpreting what you feel as your personal property, when in fact, those feelings do not belong to you at all. Pain is a universal energy in this holographic reality, but once you make it yours, you get drawn into the drama of protecting yourself, rejecting the pain, blaming yourself or someone else for its presence inside you, trying to change or punish that person or yourself, et cetera.

If you are aware of the discomfort, you could also notice that the awareness is untouched by the pain. On top of that, you might recognize what the awareness is—you! You are the awareness, untouched by the pain you think is yours.

Register and log in to do the follow-up exercises

Appreciation

WOW!

Appreciation

WOW!

Appreciation is the joyful combination of Awe + Love + Gratitude, and it can be truly experienced in consciousness, in the now beyond time. The awe comes when the veil of illusion is parted and, without the use of any senses, you “see” the Ineffable Presence (which is really you) behind and beyond all that occurs in this world. This Ineffable Presence may at first seem just beyond your senses, but that is because you believe it is outside of you. Quite the opposite, actually. It’s more like you are inside the mind of the Ineffable, and when you see that, your jaw drops in wonder!

Love is experienced in a non-sensory way and is known to be a power, but not power in terms of what we call energy. It’s experienced as unconditional, because it needs no conditions—either physical or “spiritual”—to exist. Also, love is not a feeling, even though when you experience it, pleasant, peaceful, even blissful sensations may seem to course through your body.

Gratitude fills the awareness, but it is not pointed toward anyone or anything. In the past you may have felt personally grateful to someone, because of something they gave you or did for you. The gratitude to which I refer is not a personal feeling at all, but one that seems to embrace everything—and nothing! In fact, the awe and love are not personal either, and so the freedom of detachment accompanies the joyful experience of appreciation.

Imagine looking at your partner and seeing beyond the human appearance to the magnificent being that he/she truly is. Imagine your jaw dropping in amazement as you recognize who you have been sharing your life with, the awareness of a love beyond understanding filling you up, while all that you can think to say is “Thank you!”

Register and log in to do the follow-up exercises