If I see life, the world, myself, and others without judgment, there is no good or bad, and everything seems and feels more peaceful in and around me. Judgment not only reinforces the blindness of belief, but also reinforces my rejection of what is. Rejection is suffering. If I am rejecting something, I will suffer. If I judge what I am rejecting, I will strengthen my attachment to suffering. I have never known a way to ‘let go’ of judgment, but have noticed judgement spontaneously falling away, when I notice my rejection and turn toward acceptance. If you know of a direction in life that is not an expression of either acceptance or rejection, please let me know. At this point in my life there seems to be a pattern that I fall into compulsively. An example of this pattern goes like this:
- Something “undesirable” happens.
- Upon observing or experiencing what happens, I feel uncomfortable.
- I don’t like how I feel, so I reject what is happening, pushing away from the situation mentally and emotionally — and physically if possible.
- I decide that there is something wrong in the situation and intellectually seek to justify my judgment.
- As soon as I can identify what is wrong, I righteously defend my judgmental point of view through blame, criticism, and a desire to punish.
- I will hold onto my righteous position
- until the situation goes away
- I become aware of how much I am suffering under the righteousness and judgment. However, sometimes I will continue to suffer, well aware that my heart is urging me toward another direction.
Regarding point “c”, I become aware that I’m rejecting what is, by the suffering I am experiencing, and when this occurs it seems that I can also become aware of the potential to relax and accept what is. Sometimes acceptance seems slow in coming, while at other times, it flows into me more naturally.
I have raged against the suffering in my life because, in my ignorance I didn’t realize the rage perpetuated the suffering. I thought my anger was giving me a superior position from which I could better control the situation, as well as my feelings and emotions. The fact that my anger seemed to have no power over what was happening never stopped me from resorting to it time after time.
If I try to understand life and the experiences it provides through the filter of good and bad, right and wrong, I imagine that I will continue to struggle in my suffering. Then I will get angry at some ‘creator’ or external force that made me this way, and find some refuge in my righteousness, which is really just another kind of anger and judgment. I know it is frustrating to recognize this, because when I am caught up in my suffering, my need to be right becomes even more obsessive and compulsive. At those times it is hard to let life present itself without any expectations. but when I do relax and see without judgment, the voice of my heart guides me through to a peace beyond all understanding.